That our children have problems sleeping alone is not a disorder, it is something completely normal. As mothers and fathers we ask ourselves what we should do to prevent them from crying when we leave them alone in the room. Do we leave them crying so they don’t spoil them, or do we comfort them by putting them in our bed?
Giving in to our children vs. meet your needs
Rafa Guerrero, clinical and health psychologist, explains that “the newborn arrives in this world with great immaturity, which makes him dependent on his attachment figures. Therefore, it is the attachment figures, generally the parents, who are in charge of meeting the needs of their children.
Therefore, “When a child wakes up in the middle of the night crying because he is afraid, hungry or cannot sleep alone, it is our role to attend to him, meet his need and restore his balance.
“If he cannot sleep alone, we cannot let him cry and leave, we are the people called to calm him down and attend to him.”
Psychologist
If he cannot sleep alone, we cannot let him cry and leave, we are the people called to calm him down and attend to him. Of course, after several days without attending to his needs at night, he will let us sleep in peace, but is this what we want? & Rdquor ;.
Does my child manipulate me not to sleep alone in his bed?
Regarding this belief so present in the collective imagination, María Soto, an expert in Positive Discipline, tells us that “a child you are teaching to sleep does not yet have the capacity to develop a manipulation plan & rdquor ;. In addition, in an article published in The New York Times, entitled: “The science behind a baby’s cry”, mention is made of various investigations that “reveal how crucial crying is for the survival of babies and how their cries are blast their way through a crowded acoustic landscape to demand immediate adult attention. & rdquor; Therefore, we can affirm that no, when our sons and daughters cry it is not a theater, they cry because they need us and it is the way they communicate it to us.
How to help my child sleep alone from positive discipline
María Soto gives us several tips to address this situation from positive discipline:
- Get rid of the idea that a child who wakes up is a child who sleeps badly and you have to teach him to do it well. You do not have to teach almost anything, you have to follow their processes in a respectful way, offering them security. No one is going to fall asleep peacefully dead of terror. Nobody.
- Contact. Family logistics sometimes determine whether or not co-sleeping (sleeping in bed with the child) can be done, but let’s think that the fact that children have a room to themselves apart from their parents’ is something very new. , until very recently we still slept together. We must not forget that the human being is a “civilized & rdquor; animal, but a social animal, after all, and in the same way that we have completely transformed our world, we continue to have the same emotional needs on the other hand. and physiological as always, that connect us and make us who we are.
- Calm. I know it is easy to say it, and that at the end of the day we are all exhausted, them and us, but if that routine or a day of our life overtakes us, it is that we have forgotten something very important during the raising of our children: SELF-CARE. It would be very positive to check if we have quality times to recharge our batteries and, by being with our children, to be able to give the best of ourselves, even in difficult times. They will absorb our emotions if we intend to “put them to sleep & rdquor; tense, exhausted or angry, they will not relax. Impossible to sleep. If you can’t do it, for whatever reason, at least think that staying calm redirects all situations.
- Thinking that it is transitory. Although it is difficult for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is a stage that will pass. Many times we become tense from exhaustion, and our mind betrays us, and we approach the situation as if it will last forever. And that tension complicates everything, leaves us without resources and blocks our management capacity.
- Let’s not get into their game. If once in bed, they get out of bed to get some extra time and not go to sleep alone, let’s avoid playing their game. He takes her gently and firmly by the hand and we put him back on his bed. It is not necessary to shout or speak, actions speak louder than words and do not give room for discussions. It is more than likely that this action will be repeated several times, it does not matter, it is carried out as many times as necessary, but he must understand that we are serious and will not change his mind.
Many mothers and fathers struggle every night to get their children to go to sleep alone. In this titanic struggle to maintain power there is a lot of emotional wear, fear and screaming. María Soto makes a very important point: “If something makes me cry with terror as an adult, and another adult who says he loves me consciously leaves me alone to learn, I assure you that that adult will cease to exist for me emotionally & rdquor ;. Children are not very different from adults.