Whether it’s for a crazy night out, a friend with benefits or a partner isable, sexual desire is essential. Sometimes the desire comes suddenly, as an impulse or reaction to a stimulus. Other times it is simply not there and is not expected. There are people who may have lost the desire to have sex with their partner or other people. This is due to several factors. What if, sexual desire can be worked to increase. Especially in people for whom this is a problem.
This article is not suitable for asexual people, since in this orientation there is no sexual attraction to anyone. But that is different from having or not having sexual desire. They are two different concepts and should not be mixed. To know how to improve sexual desire in hypertextual we have spoken with Laura Moran and Ignasi Puig Rhodes, both psychologists specialized in sexology. They also spoke to us a couple of weeks ago about the problems that lead to millennials to the sexologist. Now let’s see what they tell us about sexual desire and how to improve it.
Before we begin to know how to improve our sexual desire you have to know what it is. Sometimes concepts help us put a name to what we feel or what we don’t. In this case, Morán points out that “sexual desire can be translated as the desire to have sexual relations,” he explains. However, sexual desire is more complex to reduce it to just that.
What is sexual desire?
“The human being has a very linear thought. We tend to think that the desire has to come before the excitement, that arousal (lubrication, heat, increased heart rate or breathing) is the body’s response to that desire. We think that first I have to feel like getting excited and having sex, reaching climax and so on,” says the sexologist. “That usually works very well at the beginning of relationships, in the phase of falling in love, which is when you are discovering the other person and everything is new, you want to explore; you are curious and want to enjoy.
“So there it is not difficult to anticipate and make that desire prior to arousal. However, in a relationship that usually takes some timeand especially in women – there may be some physical or organic explanation behind this – it is more difficult for desire to come even if sexual intercourse is satisfactory”, he explains to hypertextual.
“Eating and scratching, everything is starting”: the sexual version
The problem is the approach we make of desire. We think it has to be something spontaneous and appear before the excitement. “But it’s not always like that, that’s one of its ways,” says Morán. “Imagine that you are in the living room watching TV and your partner approaches. And he kisses you on the neck with a little tongue or bites your earlobe, that excites you a lot; it is possible that this gesture activates your sexual arousal first and the desire to have sex comes later. And that’s what it’s called in the books wish in responsewho talks about it a lot in his books Emily Nagowski“, illustrates the sexologist.
And it is that, Morán comments, sometimes the desire would be comparable to eating and scratching from the Spanish proverb. “If we wait for the sexual desire to appear on its own, we can believe that it has been turned off,” she explains. In fact, as she already explained to us: women tend to come to her consultation for this issue very frequently. But, luckily, it can work. If we think we need help, it is best to go to a sexologist.
The keys to increasing sexual desire
There is no secret formula that works the same for everyone. This is due, as Puig Rodas explains, to the fact that sexual desire “is multivariable” and that “there are many things that affect it”. But if there is points on which many people and couples agree, so you can give a few brushstrokes on how to increase desire in the most common cases. And if there are any doubts, the best thing is always to go to a specialist to assess our particular case and help us enjoy sex.
“There is what is called the desire reinforcement cycle“, Puig Rodas points out. And he sets an example that has nothing to do with sex: womenescape room. “If I have never been to one, I go and have a great time; my head the next day makes an assessment that it has been a lot of fun. If the second time I also have a great time at the escape roomthe third time I will have even more desire”, he illustrates. That is to say, it is important that there are positive sexual experiences, as it also happens to us at the level of leisure. “If I accumulate several negative experiences in the end I will not want to have this type of leisure activity”, he points out. He adds: “And sex can be a leisure activityfor me it is, only that sometimes it generates reproduction”.
“If I have a good sexual relationship with my partner, I’m going to want more. On the other hand, if it ends up being a negative experience, I will not want to repeat it. But unlike with the escape roomsmany times we pressure each other to have sex with our partner and that can make bad experiences pile up. I can expose myself to many negative sexual relationships and that affects sexual desire.”
“One of the ways to work sexual desire is having sex without expectations, just thinking about having a good time. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, but small positive experiences are very important,” adds the sexologist.
Beyond bad experiences: don’t leave sex for after Netflix
Another very common problem with sexual desire is leaving it for the end of the day. This is seen a lot in therapy by both Morán and Puig Rodas. And both agree that we must not leave sex for after doing all our obligations. “You can’t leave it until late at night, after we’ve binge-watched three Netflix shows, when we go to bed exhausted after all day,” he says.
“A mistake that is usually made is to leave sex for when the day is over, the children are sleeping and everything is packed and you are exhausted. Then the last thing you want is to have sex because it takes some effort“, she points out.
Find the time to have sex
The solution? Find a space first thing in the morning or throughout the day. On weekends, instead of going to the cinema or doing another leisure activity, points out Puig Rodas, they are also an option. “You have to reserve a space. as if it were just another leisure option. Instead of going to the movies on Saturday, staying at home fucking,” she says. “It can be just as much fun.” “That’s better than giving him the spare time I’m having; because that way I’m not able to do anything due to tiredness,” she notes.
“Them I usually suggest that they change the order of things, that even if they get up early to go to the gym they have to do it too to meet. The day-to-day dynamics and the fact that we live in a highly stressed society, influencesMoran says.
In short, sexual desire depends on many variables, including the lifestyle we lead. Therefore, if we see that we need help to find out what is happening to us and remedy it, It is best to go to the sexologist. Our health will thank us and not only in the sexual field.