whathow long does love last? We have all asked ourselves this question at some point. We often look back nostalgically on the early years of a relationship, when it was all laughter, attention, and sex. Lots of sex. We wonder why things have changed so much, if perhaps we have done something to make the relationship go wrong. But this is not necessarily so. Love relationships go through several phases, whose duration is not an exact science, although it does have approximate margins. When phases escalate, what we feel changes, there are even moments that shake the foundations of the relationship, if it is not well consolidated. But, precisely for this reason, it should not be seen as something negative, but as proof that everything is going well or a sign to leave what cannot be fixed.
Psychologists usually talk about 4 stages. One of euphoria, in which everything is perfect and we spend 24 hours thinking about the other person. another of bonding, in which we strengthen the relationship we established during the euphoria. Then a third stage of crisis and, finally, if this is solved, another of deep attachment.
Therefore, to talk about how long love lasts, we must first establish what love is. Is it just that euphoria and the beginning of the bonds of the early stages? Or is it about the much deeper attachment that is established once the crises are over? It is not easy to answer. What is clear is that if we miss the early stages, it may be because the links have not been properly established. Because euphoria is wonderful, but having a person who loves you and is happy to share their life with you is even more so. Perhaps, after all, love is that.
Can we say that love lasts 4 years?
When we ask ourselves how long love lasts, the answer is that it lasts 4 yearsbut this only refers to the early stages.
The two female scientists who have done deeper research on this topic are Helen Fisherfrom the Kinsey Institute, Indiana, and Lucy Brownfrom the Einstein College of Medicine in New York.
For decades, both have carried out tests aimed at measuring the brain activity of couples in different phases of their relationship and have concluded that the most tangible love lasts approximately 4-5 years. First there is a phase of about a year, in which there are not only more sex and frequent thoughts towards the other person. It is also a phase in which you only see the positive things. In fact, these scientists describe it as a forgiveness towards the negative. It is something that has an explanation, since decreased activity in the prefrontal cortexa region whose function, among others, is to process negative judgments about other people.
Probably, if we started by focusing our attention on a person’s defects, it would be much more difficult for us to start a relationship. And that, evolutionarily, would be a very bad thing, since everyone has defects and it would mean that we stop reproducing ourselves.
But, once that initial euphoria passes, there are already other incentives to start seeing the defects. It is then that the stage of early attachment or bonding. In this phase, it has been seen that brain regions such as the nucleus accumbens, which has a very close relationship with the reward system, are activated. This is a system that is responsible for releasing dopamine in response to certain evolutionarily necessary stimuli. For example, sex or eating. In these cases, the dopamine it generates a sensation of pleasure that invites us to want to continue maintaining this habit.
And, in the case of love, dopamine is not only released with sex. Also with the simple presence of the other person. That individual becomes a kind of addiction, since we want to spend time with him, despite the fact that we already see his defects.
In addition, they are released oxytocin and vasopressintwo hormones related to the attachment to another person
If we ask ourselves how long love lasts, it is usually answered in reference to this phase. And it is estimated that this lasts between 4 and 5 years, from the beginning of the relationship.
Breakups don’t come when dopamine drops
When dopamine starts to wane, the relationship turns into something calmer. We no longer feel that addiction towards the other person. However, if you have sown good seeds in the early years, it is time to start collecting them in the form of a more consolidated relationship. If not, at about 7 years, comes what is known as the crisis.
It is at this stage that, in a way, we realize that things are not the same as before. It is logical that they have changed. Our brain allows us to make objective judgments about the other person and it no longer creates an addiction. But, if the relationship has been properly consolidated, attachment must remain. If not, a rupture may occur. In fact, the 6-7 years they are a very vulnerable time for a relationship. They can strengthen or destroy it.
How long does true love last?
If the crises are overcome, oxytocin and vasopressin they keep breaking free. Therefore, there may not be the same lust as in the beginning, but the attachment is still intact. In fact, it can go even deeper.
To get to this point, psychologists describe that it is very important not to fall into monotony. Do new activities, that help strengthen those links. So love will continue. Much calmer, but love nonetheless. Because love is continually thinking about a person, smiling when you drop the towel on the floor instead of getting angry and always wanting sex. It’s true. But it’s also cooking something new together, smiling when the other person enjoys her favorite song or looking into her eyes and feeling that she feels as lucky to have known you as you feel to have known her. As the years go by. Does it last 4 years? Euphoric love yes. The real one can last much longer. Or much less.