Barbra Streisand said in ‘Love has two faces’ that when we fall in love we listen to Puccini in our mind. It may sound a bit corny (she already said it), but what she did emphasize is that, myth or manipulation, we all want to fall in love.
“When we start a relationship everything is wonderfulWe love what that person does, we feel admiration, we want to be with her continuously, to tell her, kiss her, caress her, have sex … but as time passes that passion and that stage of Honeymoon they fade away. This is where we start to see those little things that before we liked them a lot or they didn’t bother us and that now they irritate us“Laura Martínez Alberola, a psychologist and sexologist at Mente y Menta, introduces us.
But the good doesn’t always last forever. As relationships progress, the expert concludes that routine and monotony tend to settle in our lives, causing friction in the relationship that can become irreparable. “Abstinence can further promote monotony and lack of interest in the partner,” warns the sexologist. We analyze with the help of this expert the fact that the lack of sex can be a compelling reason to put an end to your Relationship.
Sexual disparity in the couple
Despite what many people think, the expert emphasizes that sexual desire is not innate nor does it appear just because. Sexual desire builds and feeds; That is why it is important to always keep it in mind (as we take care of other points of the relationship).
“Low sexual desire is worked on in consultation, gradually including that part of sexuality in your day-to-day life. Something as simple as reading erotic novels, watching a movie in which there are sex scenes … predisposes us to include sexuality in our daily lives“, explains Martínez Alberola.
On the other hand, it exposes that knowing our genitals and exploring by touching them, caressing them in a curious way to identify what I like the most, it is also something that helps promote desire and communication in sexual intercourse.
In this sense, Martinez Alberola He always puts the same example in consultation when he talks about sexual desire in couples therapy and that is that the couple and desire are like a garden full of plants. “If we do not pay attention to them, we water it, we see the things they need to continue to flourish and bear fruit, that garden will end up dying and, therefore, the illusion to maintain it will be less and less,” he concludes.
So if we ask ourselves if there is anything we can do to make the relationship work, the answer is yes: “I often see couples with sexual disparity and we work together to reach an intermediate point in which the two give in. “And he clarifies that We cannot pretend that the person who has a lot of desire always goes to the extreme of the otherInstead, we try to reach agreements in which both members of the couple are satisfied through techniques and activities that reinforce that part of the couple that they want to improve.
However, the sexologist maintains that sometimes the disparity is so great that the couple cannot holdSince to get to that intermediate point, both have to “lose” to “win” that point where both feel satisfied. For this, there are factors that influence whether these agreements can be made; like for example, the one that the relationship is sustained by the pillars of communication, respect and commitment with each other and be solid.
Causes and consequences of the lack of sex in the couple
If the expert makes something clear to us, it is that the lack of sex in the couple influences how we behave with the other. That is, if it is important for us to have sex, the fact of doing without it makes us more irritable, irascible and arguments can form more often by not being happy with the situation we have.
On the other hand, it supports the causes of loss of sexual interest they can be infinite. From relationship problems, stress, depression, low self-esteem, hormonal imbalances or medications …
In any of these circumstances, there may be a time in any relationship when sex becomes an obligation. When this happens, we can try to be closer to our partner, do activities and plans together, talk more … since that part of intimacy makes us feel closer to each other.
“When those feelings of obligation and discomfort begin to appear, we have to rethink what is failing in our partner, so that something that a priori gives us pleasure and well-being we make it an obligation, sometimes even becoming aversive, “he warns.
About ending the relationship or not
When asked what is failing in our relationship, many people come to consultation without knowing what is really happening and end up concluding something that is usually very common (although sometimes it is difficult to recognize it): “My partner no longer attracts me, I don’t like him.”
When this happens in a couple, there is many factors involved. “Not having the desire to have sex with your partner does not directly imply that you have stopped loving him,” explains the expert.
It collects that all of us at a certain moment have been overwhelmed by the situation we have had, work, responsibilities, friends, family and there are seasons in which sex can be more important than others. “To have that space of intimacy as a couple, it is necessary to have a suitable climate and pleasant in which there are moments of rapprochement and complicity between the two, “he adds.
And he warns: “If we are in a context in which there are many discussions, disagreements, it is very likely that the relationship weakens and with it the desire to have sexual relations with my partner “.
It is also likely that you have fallen into a routine and you would not be the first. There are infinite myths about sexual relations that we must banish at once. Among them, something we must remind ourselves is that passion is not eternal and relationships evolve, it is logical therefore that sexual desire changes as the years go by. It is also important to emphasize that having more sex is not synonymous with happiness.
Therefore: when do I have to start worrying and can it be an indicator that I do not want to continue with my partner? “When that sexual desire is present in me, that is, I am attracted to other people, I feel like having sex with other people and with my partner I am totally asleep”. At that time, we do have to observe and see if there are things that can be improved in the couple that invite us to enhance that area, or if I have really distanced myself so emotionally that that has been the reason why I do not feel that desire, and that’s where we come in sexology professionals.
Communication, essential to make the decision
He also explains that when a couple reaches this point it is important to rethink many things. Typically, a sexual problem It does not come alone but is accompanied by other areas that may be damaged such as trust, communication, respect … Perhaps it is time for you to sit down to talk and be honest with each other about what you want and expect, in a realistic way, of the relationship.
“You have to take care of your partner as you take care of those people you love. We cannot assume that the person who is by your side now is going to be there forever no matter what you do. This is not like this. It’s about reinventing yourself while growing as a couple and trying different strategies and ways of getting closer to each other, “he says.
In conclusion, he maintains that it is very important to communicate our needs and make an effort to understand the other. In any case, if the differences are irreconcilable and you have undertaken a road of no return, the time may have come when you sit down and end that relationship.
Photos | ‘Secrets of a marriage’