Your children compete for everything: who has more fries on their plate, who was given the best gift, who loves the dog the most… their rivalry is maddening for you, so maybe you ask yourself “will life be like this, What I can do!?
Something you need to know: their rivalry is for you. Maybe you had not realized that you are part of the equation, but it is almost always like this: the hidden purpose of the sibling rivalry and their fights is to get you to agree with one, they want to be your favorite.
Therefore, your response to this feeling is essential right now that they are growing, because although they will always feel such rivalry (even when they are adults, because it is biological, that is, they fight for their territory, which is you), if you know how to set limits From now on, they will know how to handle this feeling and above all, learn from it, make the best of it.
HOW TO CHANNEL THIS RIVALRY?
An example: You go to your oldest son’s room, you see the youngest crying, and the big one hugging his toy: “He doesn’t let me play, he always wants my toys,” says the oldest.
How to react to the situation so as not to grow rivalry, but learn what not to do?
You could say to the big one: «I know that it is hard to want to play alone and that they don’t leave you; maybe you could go instead of hitting. “
And to the little one: “I understand your desire to play with your brother, but if he says no, you must listen to him.”
There is a premise in any rivalry situation: there is enough for everyone. If you convey to them that there is enough for everyone (enough love, especially), you will make the rivalry more bearable. Give them security by avoiding comparing them or taking sides with one or the other, attending to each one in their needs, showing that you accept them in their differences.
They are fighting?
You can not disappear so that they do not fight, nor can you divide or even treat them equally, since they are different. But you can respond to their rivalry in such a way that their conflict helps them grow and learn. How?
- Be calm. Because, otherwise, you can wake up, in turn, all your aggressiveness. And if you respond with great anger, you will only fan the fire between them.
- Separate the children. It takes some distance, physical and emotional, to face the situation.
- Sit down with them. Assume an attitude, not a judge, but an observer, without taking sides with any of your children or trying to find guilty parties.
- Show understanding for both and let them take responsibility: what one did and what the other brother did. Help them find their part in the conflict.
What doesn’t work?
- Find the culprits. Even if you try impartially, it is useless. If you go into that dynamic (“let’s see, who started, what did you do, and how did you respond”), you will only get them to intensify their fights, hoping to be elected innocent!
- Take sides. It is like adding fuel to the fire and a source of injustice. Because, in addition, deep down you will never know who started and what happened. Maybe the one who cries is the little one, but perhaps he started provoking with a subtle gesture, knowing that when he shouts you go and scold his brother. Or otherwise. Perhaps the older one provoked the younger one with calm and calculated words (“I will never play with you”), and the latter, who still doesn’t know how to control himself, hit.
- Denying or inhibiting aggressiveness does not work. Our culture represses aggressiveness, but denying or prohibiting it only fuels it.
Practical tips
- Let them express their feelings.
- If they insist on demanding your attention every time they fight, you should tell them to stop bothering you about nonsense.
- Focus on the solution, not the details. Avoid questions like, “Why did you pinch your brother?”
- Find out for yourself what may be causing conflicts and establish the most convenient solution for both children.
- Ignore the gossip. The best thing in those cases is to tell them: “I am very sorry that you get along so badly with your brother.”
- Never yell at them when they fight; don’t punish them.
- Also do not put labels on the child of “bully”, “little devil” …
- Teach them the value of words and that with them they can express feelings and tenderness, but also, do much harm.
- In the case of excessively aggressive children, take note of their violent manifestations to find out what caused them and find a way to avoid them.
- Teach your children to remain calm in the face of provocation.
- Congratulate them when they cooperate with each other, play and get along.