Does your boss yell and seem to be on the verge of madness? Do you receive attacks or mistreatment that exceed the limits of acute stress at work? Do you feel at physical or emotional risk at any time at work?
These questions are the first triggers to invite you to reflect on how to more appropriately manage the hostility that can occur in any company or profession.
If these types of manifestations are sporadic, they can be part of the nerves typical of any activity at certain peaks, both by bosses, leaders and colleagues. Although if they occur daily, we are facing a way of proceeding that may not be so healthy and the worst thing you can do is normalize it.
The hostility curve
As much as you don’t look for them, friction and tension are present, and if you want to understand their structure to better manage it, here you will discover a simple explanation, step by step, in an adaptation of the Allaire and McNail model.
The hostility curve has five phases, from least to most intense, that you should know about, because that way you will know how to identify the critical point.
Phase 1: Shot or exit. Here, if you want to stop the other person or make them see reason, you may fail.
Phase 2: Slowdown. If there is no provocation on your part, hostility will lower his energy.
Phase 3: Coping. This is a critical phase from what is said and how it is said. Instead of giving the reason, it is convenient for you to show that you understand how the other person feels, with phrases like “I understand how you feel…” or “I would feel the same way in your place.”
Phase 4: Cooling. The person begins to cool down and calm down.Phase 5: Calm down. The person is in a position to listen to alternatives.
8 things I recommend doing in the face of hostility
Hostility can appear in an instant, or be a sustained behavior over time. One of the reasons hostility is so aggressive, violent, and even abusive is completely overflowing boundaries, not registering with others, and being blinded to anything, ideas, or reasons that don’t align with your point. wrathful sight
In order to better manage the moments of hostility to which you may be exposed (even to start managing your exaltations or those of others outside of work) I suggest these action steps.
If you follow them, they will allow you to more conveniently manage those peaks of anger and, if you wish, find palliatives for the extreme spillovers that affect both you and the people you work with.
acknowledge hostility
The first step is about realizing that there is hostile behavior that has emotional repercussions for you, and as such, it needs to be defused in the best way possible.
In the face of hostility, it does not work to respond in the same way, because it is like adding fuel to the fire. Remember: do not minimize or normalize hostility, because it is likely that you feel that it hurts you, that you suffer, it scares you and it hurts you in some way. What I do recommend doing is training yourself to manage it in the best possible way.
listen carefully
Pay attention to what is expressed in words and also in non-verbal language, which is 90% of the total communication process. Detect if there are phrases or words that are repeated: there may be the triggers.
Use a calm tone of voice and lower the volume
Do the exercise of staying calm, using a much lower tone of voice than the hostile person, speaking slower and conveying a sense of self-confidence in you, and that you are seeking to create the best calm environment to calm the situation.
Support yourself with soft and measured gestures, not strong or aggressive, because they can make the other person even more defensive.
Reserve your judgments about what the person “should” do
This is not the time to express everything you are thinking about the inappropriateness of the other person’s behavior. Save it for later.
Help the person express the situation
Hostility is manifested by an accumulation of frustrations and disappointments that have to do with fears and expectations that have not been met.
To reduce it, make eye contact, since by looking compassionately at the person you are not being weak, but rather you are looking to convey confidence so that they can calmly express the reason for their discomfort.
Ask someone else for help if you feel insecure or possible attack
From the moment you think your physical integrity is at risk, seek help immediately.
The closeness of another person may at first enhance the hostility expressed by the person, although it also works as a deterrent to any attempt to attack.
Since these are exalted moments for you and others, it would not be appropriate to try to convince, define or make decisions on any aspect. There is an alteration in the emotional state that is not neutralized automatically, but over time, so everything that needs to be discussed will be left for another time.
8 things I DO NOT recommend doing
The natural tendency of the reptilian brain of all human beings – the impulse to face or flee from situations – will make you intend to face the situation, as if it were a boxing ring, possibly in ways that can be counterproductive. Another tendency is to escape from the moment. Well, neither one nor the other works.
Far from staying still while you receive their anger and fury, the intention is that you learn to self-control your own tendency to get excited just like the person in front of you.
To achieve it even better, keep in mind these points that will help you reduce the reigning tension:
Push back irritation or try to calm him down
It is very counterproductive not to face the situation, or just to say to calm down, because the person is angry. In this state, his mind does not function in the mode of understanding or reflection, and the brain is secreting large doses of cortisol, the stress hormone.
refuse to listen
Showing an attitude of refusing to hear what they have to tell you, even if it is not in the most appropriate way, will only make the person more confused. Instead, put on your best neutral face, control yourself, take a deep breath, and at least listen to what he’s saying, but don’t get emotionally attached to the situation.
It is about disassociating yourself from their hostility of the moment, to be as neutral as possible while the storm passes.
Raise the volume to “hear you”
When you also raise your voice, things will get out of hand; it is best to use a calm tone, pauses, micro-silences and permanent eye contact to calm the person down.
Even if you don’t think he’s right, a slight nod of your head will give him a nonverbal signal that you’re making an effort to understand him.
Say all the “shoulds” of the person (judgments towards what they express) even though their form is not the most appropriate
This aspect can be one of the most difficult to channel, and it has to do with your judgments towards what the person is saying in the worst way. This is not the time to retaliate, much less to pass the bill for events of the past. Remember: you are only looking to manage his hostility and calm him down.
show aggressiveness
If you put yourself at the same level of aggression as the other person, the result will be two negative forces in conflict. Instead, show firmness and determination, albeit in a non-aggressive way. Again, what you say without words, with your gestures and body, will help to calm the tension.
Excessive passivity on your part, because it would mean that you practically ignore him
If you ignore or play down the attitude of the harassing person, you will increase their fury.
Do not have a passive attitude, but active and calm
Because the intention is for him to feel that you understand, that you interpret his emotion and that you want him to calm down to continue addressing the issues of the conflict. This does not mean that you are resigning anything on your part, or that you justify your position: simply, you seek to calm and relieve the stress that arises.
By following these steps, you will be able to masterfully handle moments of hostility, to turn it into fertile ground for continuing dialogue, negotiating and being able to cope with those moments of high tension.
Daniel Colombo Facilitator and Executive Master Coach specialized in senior management, professionals and teams; mentor and professional communicator; international speaker; author of 31 books. LinkedIn Top Voice Latin America. ICF certified; Certified Coach and Member of the John Maxwell Team.