We all know that loving and loving are not the same, but sometimes we don’t know how to define why. Today we reflect on both ideas to clarify them.
Although they are feelings that we have all experienced at some time, many people do not find differences between wanting and loving. In part, this is due to the trivialization that our society has made about what love is. In practice, they are two different concepts, which also condition the way you relate to your inner circle.
We can define both experiences from an idealistic perspective, but this would only complicate matters. Therefore, we will do it taking reality as a reference. In short, and from now on we anticipate the conclusion, both are part of the same stage; only one precedes the other. Let’s see it in more detail in the next reflections.
What are the differences between wanting and loving?
“I love you” or “I love you” are sentences that we use frequently in our day to day. We do it with our friends, family, partner and even with our pets. Sometimes we do not notice their distinction, but this does not imply that in practice they are different feelings.
Wanting is a feeling that always precedes the experience of love. It is, if you will, a primal state of love. What is it that makes to want something (or someone) evolve to love something (or someone)? In very simple terms, the degree of intimacy, interaction and attachment that mediates between the two.
In most cases, this intimacy, interaction and attachment is achieved over time. In this way, You go from wanting to loving thanks to the fact that a reasonable time has elapsed for the maturity of that feeling. Imagine that loving is emotion in its embryonic state, while loving is when it is developed.
The above is not a haphazard reflection. A study published in Motivation and Emotion in 2020 found that the degree of attachment that a couple feels towards another is what determines romantic love. Besides attachment, some experts They also add other components such as intimacy and affection. Saving many details we can affirm the following:
- Want: It implies wanting something (or someone). It is a feeling associated with intense emotions, always linked to possession. In general, you develop these with a certain degree of interaction or intimacy. Since it has different degrees, it can be both a frugal and long-lasting experience.
- To love: implies being tied to something (or someone). It is associated with very powerful emotions, all of them aimed at preserving that love. You develop the feeling after you reach a higher level of intimacy. It is a permanent experience, one that always marks you in one way or another..
Reflections on the differences between wanting and loving
Although we have already established the differences between wanting and loving, surely the explanations presented have been insufficient for you. We will proceed to expand them through a little deeper reflections.
Wanting implies needing someone, loving does not
We have already stated that wanting is intrinsically linked to desire. Desire, most of the time, arises from a need. Therefore, we can say that to want something (or love someone) implies that need that something (or someone) in life. This is why you may want your job, your friends or your partner (you need or want them at the moment).
Amar moves away from these ideas, and even implies denying them. After all, the idea of needing or wanting implies that, in the face of their absence, you will be unhappy. When you love someone this does not happen, since, as we will see later, you have reached a maturity of the agitated emotions that often accompany the act of loving.
To love you require time, to love not always
As we have already talked to you in our article about the stages of a relationship, the intimacy you feel towards someone goes through several phases. This also happens with the feelings you give him. Love is at the top, so it is natural that you only get there after a reasonable time has passed between the two of you.
Time is not a minor conditioner. It involves more experiences, moments, emotions and shared experiences. This is why you come to love only those who are part of your inner circle: your family and friends of many years, for example. Wanting does not imply this, since you can start doing it after a few weeks or months of relationship.
Loving demands great emotional maturity, wanting not
Everyone remembers the phrase of The little Prince in which he argues with the rose about love. We transcribe only part of this long conversation here:
“If I love someone, I have expectations, I expect something. If the other person doesn’t give me what I expect, then I suffer. The problem is that there is a greater probability that the other person has other motivations, because we are all very different “
“To love is to wish the best for the other, even when they have very different motivations. To love is to allow you to be happy, even when your path is different from mine… For this reason, love will never be the cause of suffering “
Love will not cause suffering because a great emotional maturity has been reached. Wanting has not reflected on it, so that the emotions are in a disorganized state. Because of this you can develop pathological jealousy, dependence and suffering.
Loving is associated with life projects in common, loving not always
These projects of life in common because, as we have already established, to love is to be linked to something. Since you share a life project in common with your family (among many other things), you love it. This condition does not always exist when wanting, so you can feel this towards people who do not share a close bond with you.
This is something that we can better observe in the example of a couple relationship. When you start to make serious commitments in your relationship, it is generally because a reasonable amount of time has passed, emotions have organized, obsessive desire has been overcome and a common life project has begun to be forged. In short, because they have begun to love.
With this last reflection, we hope that you have understood the true differences between wanting and loving. You may not share some of them, as your experience may indicate otherwise. Still, meditating on these ideas will allow you to conceive a different concept of what love is.
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