9 minutes
Gaslighting makes a person begin to doubt himself, his perceptions, emotions and feelings. Thus, it is vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. We show you how to identify it when it happens.
Our relationships with others should be safe places, pleasant and enriching. Unfortunately, the abuse is more present than we can imagine. When it is based on clearly visible aggressions or behaviors, it is easier for the victim and those close to them to identify what is happening. However, what happens when violence occurs on a subtle and ambiguous level? How to identify the gaslighting?
In recent years there has been a great advance at the social level in exposing and condemning emotional abuse. Therefore, more and more people are able to identify when they are suffering and decide to ask for help.
However, the gaslighting it is not always identified as such. And it is that its dynamic is based, precisely, on confusing the victim and depriving her of her ability to trust herself.
Perhaps you have already heard this term before or this is your first contact with it. In any case, we want to explain some of its most common manifestations, but more difficult to detect, so that you can act if at any time you suffer it.
What is gaslighting?
The gaslighting is a type of psychological or emotional abuse that consists of confusing the victim and lead her to doubt herself, his perceptions, his memory and even his sanity. The term comes from the 1938 play and the subsequent 1944 film of the same name.
In it, the protagonist manages to isolate and mentally destabilize his wife by manipulating the lighting and sounds in their home. Then deny that these phenomena occur. In this way, she begins to believe that she is losing her mind.
Similarly, who suffer gaslighting they end up disconnecting from themselves, of your intuitions and instincts. They begin to doubt their own reasoning and end up under the control and manipulation of the aggressor.
This phenomenon can occur in relationships of any kind, although it is especially harmful when it occurs in close emotional ties. For example, those maintained by couples or parents with their children.
The levels at which this abuse is applied can vary, and its manifestations range from the most visible to the most subtle. Thus, you may know some of their main features, like the fact that the abuser accuses the victim of being insane or overly sensitive, or lying even in the presence of evidence. However, we want to talk to you about other types of related situations that you may have overlooked.
Some forms of gaslighting you may have ignored
The gaslighting occurs gradually and progressively, so that whoever begins to suffer it does not realize what is happening. In addition, some of its manifestations can be confused with what happens frequently in many relationships.
1. Projection
Have you ever felt that your partner puts feelings, thoughts or actions in you that are not yours? What’s more, do you notice that she tends to transfer to you the failures, the shortcomings and the bad attitudes that really belong to her? This is what is called projection And it is one of the mechanisms involved in emotional abuse.
The unfaithful person constantly accuses his partner of cheating on him; the controlling person reproaches the other for his control; and the one who is abusive and toxic convinces his partner that he is actually the one who has attitudes that are harmful to the relationship.
Does it sound familiar to you? With this, the person manages to get rid of responsibility for their actions and divert attention from himself, since the couple has to focus their energies on defending themselves from the attacks they receive.
2. Isolation
For some people it is natural walking away or neglecting friends and family when having a partner; And although this is detrimental in all cases, when it is motivated by the other’s hidden intentions it is undoubtedly a red flag of gaslighting.
If your partner tries to convince you that your loved ones don’t love you, don’t care about you, lie to you, or don’t take you into consideration, be careful! In this way manages to make you distrust everyone, deprives you of other social ties and leads you to a relationship of dependency in which you only have her. Without outside support, you are much more exposed and vulnerable to chronic abuse.
3. Destruction of identity
Have you abandoned your hobbies and tastes since you have been in a relationship? Have your opinions, your style or your priorities been transformed? You may think that this is a natural and necessary process for a couple to work, but in reality it is a real trap.
Who applies gaslighting progressively convinces his victim that everything he believes, feels, decides or likes is inappropriate. Thus, it destroys the identity of the other person, leaving them unable to decide and think for themselves.
4. Lack of reasoning and dialogue
Discrepancies are normal in any human bond, but hopefully, dialogue and negotiation help us reach a common territory. When in a dynamic of emotional violence, assertive and rational conversations are conspicuous by their absence.
One partner refuses to listen to the other’s requests and feelings or offers vague and fuzzy responses that deflect the topic.
No matter how strong your arguments are or how reasonable the claims are, the other person will manage to turn the situation, invalidate your feelings and continue with the same dynamic. There will be no reflection, change, or acknowledgment of guilt.
5. Search for allies
It is common for both members to unburden themselves with a trusted person before a couple discussion, expose their situation and seek advice. Nevertheless, who practices gaslighting he tries to convince the environment that his partner is crazy or irrational.
With this, he achieves that the rest of the people dismiss the complaints or requests for help from the victim. In addition, it increases her feeling that she has truly lost her sanity.
At the end of the day, if no one seems to see how harmful or unjust your situation is, if everyone seems to align with your partner’s version, perhaps she really is the one who has the wrong perception.
6. Blame
Does your partner hold you responsible for all arguments and conflicts? Does he point you out as the culprit for all his bad attitudes and behaviors? This is a dangerous dynamic, as it puts you in a position of helplessness and helplessness.
If your partner mistreats you, disrespects you or harms you in any way, not only can you not claim, but you also have to assume that you have been the cause of that happening. Whatever happens, you will be responsible. If you are making someone who loves you behave so badly, there really must be big flaws in you.
If you tend to come to these kinds of conclusions, ask for help. Clearly, you are being emotionally abused and this situation can be very dangerous. Always remember that only yourself is responsible for your actions.
7. Cancellation of the person
The final destination of a relationship in which it occurs gaslighting it is the annulment of the person who suffers it. Psychological burnout, confusion, seizures, and lack of clarity They end up exhausting their instinct for preservation and fighting.
Eventually, she gives in to manipulation, loses self-confidence, and ends up believing the abuser’s version and word. When the doubt is so great, when the image of oneself is no longer stable, the only solution seems to be to resign and give in to exhaustion.
The way you feel helps you identify gaslighting
If you focus on identifying the abuse by your partner, you may fall into the confusion, doubts and excuses that sustain all these types of dynamics. Therefore, if you want to know if you are suffering gaslighting, ask yourself how you feel.
Do you doubt yourself often? Do you think that you cannot trust your perceptions, instincts or emotions? Have you assumed that you are overly emotional or over the top? Have you lost the connection with who you were, with those who love you and with what you loved to do?
If your answer to the previous questions is yes, it is very likely that you have been suffering psychological abuse. In this case, it is essential that you seek help from your close environment and from qualified professionals.
The aftermath of gaslighting they affect identity, self-esteem and confidence. They require a whole process to be healed. However, this is the way to liberation and reconnection with that essential part of you that the abuse made you lose.
It might interest you …