Have you ever found yourself thinking that you have a bad boy because he is disobedient, tantrum, blackmailer, rude? The specialist Teresa García, the psychotherapist in her book There is no bad child, invites us to reflect on this topic since she tells us that most people are led by false beliefs in raising children about how a child should be and how he should be educated.
BELIEFS IN PARENTING
Of course, I love my son, I give him everything. The most frequent patterns among parents to make their loved one feel is to say I love you, hug and kiss him or give him things, but they are not the best ways.
The truth: They feel loved when they are with you, you listen to their talk or stories, you share their games, especially when you connect with what they feel: “I see that you are worried, scared, do you want to talk to me?” Love is felt and the little ones are totally sensory; they have their emotions on the surface, precisely for this reason they often react so intensely.
What they need from their parents is that they be with them during their emotion: when they are angry, sad, happy; They do not understand their feeling, they only feel it, so they require an adult to tell them what it is that they are experiencing.
Your role is… to name the emotion: “hey, I know you’re angry, it’s okay, you have every right to feel that way.”
They misbehave to get attention, manipulate or make us angry. We believe that when a child throws a tantrum or commits a lack of respect, it is because he wants to impose his will on us and we usually react with a scolding, yelling or punishment; or we just ignore it “until it gets tired”. Behind this behavior, there is a lack.
The truth: Children react with overwhelmed emotions because they do not know how to handle them, therefore, their reaction is an impulse. They need empathy from their parents, so it is essential that they ask themselves what is really happening to the child; in the instant, what matters is identifying what he is feeling, then it will be possible to talk about his reaction and what it made others feel.
Your role is… to redirect their impulsive behavior, not their emotions: “I understand that you are angry, but you cannot throw objects, we better roar like lions, or have a pillow fight”.
If I don’t punish him, he will take my measure. The idea of controlling children’s behavior to take good care of them and make them good kids leads to overvaluing obedience when the important thing is to form self-confident people. So it’s about helping them develop neural connections that allow them to make better decisions, which means that they should be allowed to practice.
The truth: A child who controls his parents talks about inconsistent parents; perhaps, they fall continually in giving him what he asks in a bad way to calm him down, which teaches him that he can do whatever he wants.
Your role is… to teach him that there will always be consequences and limits, through negotiation and letting him make decisions controlled by you. For example, you will not negotiate if the child brushes his teeth or not, but you will negotiate with which of the brushes he brushes them. Given the options, they perceive that they can decide, this makes them responsible for themselves.
Tere García argues that the education of the little ones should start from their understanding, as well as a constant work of self-analysis by the parents to determine the best ways to raise their child since each child has a very particular way of being. In this sense, each parent must know their child thoroughly in order to accompany him in his growth.