Surely once this idea has haunted your head. To put us in context, there you are, finding out that your ex has a new girlfriend and he goes to live with her, who gets married and everything is wonderful. And your head suddenly works to go a thousand an hour, your knees are shaking and you start to imagine what would have happened if she had been you…
You may even have thought at some point that changing things between you was in your hands. Luckily, my friend, that self-destructive thought is only in your head and not only is it not true, but it is an idea that goes hand in hand with your self esteem. Today we talk to an expert about how to eradicate this false belief:
“The first thing to understand is that this idea does not encourage me to look at myself and understand what to improve about myself, how my past conditions me, etc. We have educated ourselves in the ‘assert yourself’ or ‘go where they do not value you’, which is fine, but to do that without a previous internal exercise it will make us fall into the same thing over and over again, “explains Elena García Vega, a psychologist.
Analyzing behavior patterns: why does the same thing always happen to me?
To understand this feeling, the expert proposes to do an introspection and analyze our behavior patterns: “Ask ourselves the question of why the same story is repeated over and over again and become aware of and responsible for the situation. We can ask ourselves what is inside of us so that this pattern is maintained.”
“If something is always repeated or if my ex’s always get engaged when they are not with me, it would be analyze these patterns of behavior. We tend to always look outside and sometimes life acts as a mirror showing us again and again what we must change internally. You have to ask yourself what is in me that feeds that pattern. That does not imply blaming me, but it has to do with take responsibility for my emotions and take control that we normally deposit in the other, “he adds.
The expert gives the following example to understand the pattern of behavior: “If I I am a very caring person I will tend to relate to people who need to be cared for. For example, with someone who has a very unstructured family, who is unemployed and does not feel well or the typical one who does not want commitment because he has a panic about relationships but I am going to take care of him and thus he is going to fall in love with me “, Explain.
“It consists in understanding what is our behavior pattern. If I am a caregiver and need to care, I will relate and assert myself through caring. However, that idea of ‘If I take care of him or save him, he will love me’ it doesn’t work because we are nobody’s savior. And sometimes even that person does not value us in the way we want and we get frustrated. That is why we tend to relate based on who we are. The example of the caregiver is very clear but there are many more, “he points out.
The answer is usually in my past
Normally we tend to look for answers in the present and in the other person, when most of the time the answer is in our past, in our “injured boy or girl”.
That is, if you are not aware that you are acting in a certain way because of a subject from the past, you will try to attribute everything that happens to your present. To the attitude of my friend, my boss, my brother … Instead of thinking about why it affects me so much, maybe it is related to something internal that I have? Perhaps it is referring to a weak point of your self-esteem and that is why it makes you be reactive to that situation.
In this way, it invites us to be aware of the wounds we have from our past because many times they are the ones that are making us act like this in our present: “It is about seeing what traumas I have, what griefs I have not resolved, why I thus relate to my partners, what I tend to look for in a man or a woman that complements me … “.
García Vega explains that this thought is closely linked to self-esteem: “A woman has always been told that she has to be adequate, keep a man by her side … closely related to our small wounds, trauma or low self-esteem. The message that we send ourselves internally is that of ‘I am not worth it, I am not enough for him to choose me’. And in the end, that phrase we make it ours and we believe it until becomes the way we communicate with others“.
The expert encourages us to leave behind the concept ‘I want you to choose me’, being clear that we are not the problem and there are many other factors that make a relationship not work or do not settle in time.
“Sometimes it just doesn’t work because we haven’t been able to see what it was not the moment or it wasn’t the person. Deep down, it is just as important to connect with a person as it is to be in the same vital and emotional moment. That is why it is important that we do not force it, sometimes it is not the time for the relationship to continue, “he explains.
We are our experiences
It is true that we are all our experiences and these they are shaping us. “Maybe at that time we made certain mistakes or it was not the vital moment of the relationship … But as time has passed we have learned and generated healthier patterns. And there may come a point where our ex can relate in a healthier way, with the learning that our relationship has generated “.
Images | GTRES, ‘My best friend’s wedding’