The words you use to correct, accompany, motivate or calm will be your internal dialogue that will accompany you throughout your life. So what phrases to use and should you not say to your child when facing a challenge?
Eye! That does not mean that your role is the same as a cheerleader who only wants to make you feel good and cheer, it is rather an opportunity to generate phrases in his mind that lead him to direct his actions.
When you face a challenge in your day to day, you make a mistake or feel confused, you hear an internal voice. It is something inside your mind that sometimes encourages you and sometimes makes you feel a little worse with phrases like “Sure! It is always the same with me. ”
Where does that dialogue come from? It is built in the first years of life, it is an internalization of the phrases that others repeated to us. During childhood the moral compass is created as the limits are marked, the impulses handled and the external motivation becomes internal.
The best thing, before saying something, is to observe what challenge you are facing? What leads you to believe that you “cannot” do it? Is it really a more difficult challenge than you can achieve? And most importantly, as María Montessori said, how can you help him to do it alone?
YOU SHOULD NOT TELL YOUR CHILD
“Yeah, I do it”
With this phrase we are communicating that effectively, the child cannot do it. There will be times when the challenge is very difficult for the evolutionary stage in which it is and needs us to do it. In those cases, it is more advisable to say something like “when you are faced with a challenge, you can ask for help” or “I can help you, surely later you will be able to do it yourself”.
“Don’t say I can’t”
When a child says “I can’t” you have to see if he really needs us to do it or is looking for an easy path for something he really already knows how to do. A good idea is to guide him with specific words step by step on what he must do to achieve it, always being very clear. For example: “to put the sock on first, open it, put your fingers in first and then arrange it so that it covers your foot”.
“Either you do it or there isn’t …”
Conditioning actions waiting for a reward or trying to avoid punishment is very effective in the short term because children “obey”, but it is not really helping to create an internal discipline that helps them in the long term.
He seeks to change this discourse for motivation, phrases like “I know you’re tired but you’re almost done” or “I’m sure you can handle this” help him overcome frustration, understanding that he should do it, not because of something that is coming but because that must be done. Later this is what helps us stay on track to achieve our goals.
In short, the ideal is to raise awareness and reflect today on the messages you give to your children. What internal dialogue are you forming? And most importantly,
how you can help build their self-confidence.