“My son. 14 years. Crying like a cupcake because we don’t buy her a mobile. It is already difficult for us to do homework, to study, to lie down and not be distracted without having a mobile, to buy one for him. And the problem is not him. The problem is the parents of others, “complained the father of a teenager in a Twitter post that went viral last January. “EVERYONE, absolutely EVERY 3rd ESO student has a phone,” he lamented.
Its publication, which even had repercussions in the media, generated a strong debate about whether parents should give in to this increasingly early demand from adolescents. What should you do if your child is the only one in her class who does not have a mobile phone? Is it possible to achieve a balance, without falling into the extremes of excluding him from his friends or exposing him to dangers for which he is not prepared?
The challenge of connecting with children
“I think that prohibiting does not work, it is about educating. Our children are part of a digital generation, we cannot prohibit them from something that may affect their social relationships, or leave them apart from everything, ”says Sonia López, mother of two adolescents, ages 14 and 12, as well as a teacher, educational psychologist, and teacher of families and collaborator of the blog Bad mothers. In turn, she adds: “Sometimes we prohibit for not making the effort to inform ourselves. It is easier to say no, but we have an obligation to adapt and know, to know what can help them or not. ”
“Ban is the worst thing you can do,” confirms the expert psychologist in technological addictions Gabriela Paoli. “Parents have the task of accompanying their children in the process of initiation in the virtual world. Today, educating means educating in technology ”, and adds that“ Letting him have it, although always under supervision, is much more pedagogical and healthy for emotional ties. It doesn’t have to be a battle, you have to stand by him and navigate with him, see what his interests are. Connect, rather than walk away. There is a lot of fear in the parents, and that fear must be changed by caution and caution. ”
Pablo Lorenzo is the father of seven children between 5 and 22 years old, two 11 and 15 years old. In addition, he is a family counselor and YouTuber under the Family Man account. He agrees that the best option is to adapt to new trends. “We are the first generation of parents to have to educate in technologies, we do not have references or clear guidelines,” he explains. At the same time, he assures that “the mobile must not be demonized. It is not a dangerous or addictive device, but an education issue. A knife can be dangerous, but we teach our children how to use it. Similarly, a mobile is a tool that they will have to use for everything. If they learn to use it responsibly, it can be wonderful. ”
Avoiding the ban does not mean having to give in to social pressure to give a child a mobile just because their peers have it. “Our youngest son is one of the few in his class who does not yet have a mobile phone, but we believe that this is not an excuse,” says Sonia López, explaining: “When ESO begins, we will assess whether it is mature enough for use. It is not a ‘no’ because yes, we explain that it is because we want to give it to you when you have the capacity to manage it correctly ”.
Meanwhile, they offer their son other alternatives to interact with his classmates: he can do it at his own school, through his parents’ mobile or through online video games, where they have control that he only plays with friends.
In the case of Pablo Lorenzo, they decided to set a common deadline for all their children: “We agreed that we will give them to them when they turn fifteen. Before, we entrusted them with different tasks and household chores, to check that they are responsible enough ”.
On this point, the psychologist Gabriela Paoli explains that “In general, experts recommend giving a mobile phone from the age of 16, but the statistics are below.” Indeed, according to the latest ‘Survey on Equipment and Use of Information and Communication Technologies in homes’ of the National Statistics Institute (INE), the percentage of children between 11 and 15 years old who had a mobile phone last year was 66%.
The expert clarifies that the age to give this device away “depends on many circumstances. It is not the same as your parents being separated, for example. More than age (although it matters), the level of maturity and autonomy that it has is key. If you don’t do your homework alone, you won’t have the autonomy to control the connection time. You are being asked for something you are not prepared for. ” On the other hand, she explains that “If you have a level of autonomy when studying, and you have these internalized skills, you are more likely to make correct use of the device, although without forgetting that adolescence is a time of many transgressions and. rebellion “.
Regarding social pressure, Paoli observes that the claims of the type “I stay out” or “I am not invited” by adolescents can generate a lot of tension and confusion for parents, but that should not lead to permission without restrictions. Rather, parents need to be prepared to take that step with awareness.
“Although the rest of our children’s classmates have cell phones before, we are not afraid that they may feel excluded,” says Pablo Lozano, adding that “There are other ways of relating. We make it easy for you to meet your friends. Also, by setting a deadline and sharing it with them, they accept it easier. ”
Use cannot be private
Nor does prohibiting mean giving free use. “You cannot deliver a device without previously established rules. Just as parents do not leave their children alone at 2am on the street, they must also be accompanied here. We must move the rules and limits that apply in real life to virtual life. It is not about giving her an emotional pacifier, but about accompanying them in that immersion in the network, because otherwise, it can be very dangerous ”, explains Gabriela Paoli.
One of the tools that the professional recommends is to generate contracts with the children on good use, such as, for example, the contract model proposed by the ANAR Foundation.
“It worked very well for us. In our case, it is a contract that is full of common sense, in which a schedule is established to control the time you are online. It also happens to adults that if we do not manage it, we are hooked all day, ”explains López.
From this contract, which is signed before receiving the mobile, certain rules are established, such as the use of the cell phone only in common areas or outside of study hours. “You have to make her understand that this helps her not to stop doing the things she did before, and so she can see the benefits,” says López.
Paoli explains that there are things that can be negotiated democratically, and others that the adult must decide. “Some points can be shared and debated. When you involve a teenager, she is responsible and does not feel like an imposition, “she says.
“Our contract has been relaxed as our son grows. If it does it well, it will gain more freedom in its use ”, explains Sonia López. So, for example, while they agreed not to check their WhatsApp conversations, they do control their Instagram account. “We explain that it is not for control but for your safety,” she says.
Furthermore, it is essential for her to educate by example. “The problem appears when as parents we ask them to do something that we do not do. If we are stuck to the mobile all day or sharing their images and privacy on social networks, they end up doing the same, “says López.
Pablo Lorenzo also resorted to signing a “contract” with his children, to establish certain rules such as, for example, that parents must have the mobile password, which can only be used in common areas, and that they cannot send Whatsapps after 23hs. If the contract is not fulfilled, the device is withdrawn for a week. “Having established guidelines in advance, they accept the consequences in case of not complying with them,” he says.
The keys: supervise and accompany
For Gabriela Paoli, this type of agreement must contemplate the control and monitoring of two fundamental aspects: the time of use and access to information, so that they do not develop addictions nor are they exposed to inappropriate content. For this, it is essential that parents, as legal guardians, have the access codes to the device. “The teenager must understand that the mobile is theirs because they have given it to them, but that it is not private,” he says.
In addition to supervising the contents that your children access, it also highlights the importance of use in common areas, to prevent them from locking themselves out to use it in their rooms. “We have to keep in mind that they are devices that are designed to be highly addictive. The screen generates dopamine, a neurotransmitter of happiness. It is normal that the connection time is very difficult to control ”, details the specialist.
So that the use does not become abusive, parents must be alert to possible signs of addictive behavior, such as changes in sleep patterns, routines, academic performance or emotional state. As the professional indicates, it is never too late to correct inappropriate uses. “If the parents observe that their children are making incorrect use, the error is assumed and a way is found to redirect it. You are always on time ”, she assures.
All in all, the basis is that parents can overcome their fears and assume the responsibility of accompanying their children in digital immersion. “It is important that access is progressive and monitored, that children feel that their parents are there with them, that they have left us alone in that virtual world,” says Paoli.