First, we have to define, who is a toxic mom? Generally speaking, she is a narcissistic mom; which is a serious pathology whose consequences are usually bad for children. I explain how a child with a toxic mother grows.
Narcissistic pathology is fundamentally an important affective deficiency that incapacitates the person to relate emotionally with others, the needs of others do not matter, only their own.
The inner emptiness prevents giving love, cannot connect with the needs of her children, demands that they behave according to what she needs, fosters the external image and is extremely cruel if her demands are not met.
HOW DOES THE TOXIC MOM AFFECT HER CHILDREN?
The cycle repeats, children grow up with a great emotional void, they live feeling that nothing makes them happy or satisfying, looking for “something more” in all aspects of their lives: more money, more work, couples with more beauty, intelligence, money, resources …
“Love” is conditioned on the approval of the other (when children, from their mother), but it never comes, it is never enough; so, as adults, they can look for partners who mistreat and reject them, just like mom did; Or, they are narcissists who are never happy with anything because nothing is enough for them. Empathy does not operate, relationships are a transaction of emptiness (there is no emotional connection with the people with whom they relate), anxiety, need and utility (people only serve you to fulfill your purposes or satisfy your needs momentarily, but then the discard).
WHAT CAN THE TOXIC MOM DO?
If you consider that you are overprotecting your children, if you want them to do what you consider correct without knowing or respecting their needs, if you cannot connect emotionally with them, you are very concerned about recognition and what they will say; you’re probably dealing with some narcissistic traits.
However, you shouldn’t feel bad, guilty, or “bad mom” for this. They are unconscious questions that you did not do on purpose, you can change them as you generate awareness. It is not easy, but it is possible; don’t feel guilty.
You were also a girl and that was what you had to live, you are not the only one responsible for the education of your children, parents also influence for better and for worse.
Dare to break the circle and seek to live differently, for your good and for those around you, especially your children.
The difference depends on whether you dare to acknowledge it and work it in therapy or continue to suffer and hurt.
By Psic. Iskra Salcido Valle, psychotherapist, president of the Association of Psychology Graduates of the Universidad Iberoamericana