Your child needs to feel in a stable environment, among a happy, solid and unconditional family, to grow as a mature adult.
THE REASON
Dr. Bowlby, one of the fathers of attachment theory, defined the concept of parenting as follows:
“It is the provision by both parents of a secure base from which a child of any age can make exits to the outside world and to which he can return knowing that he will be well-nourished physically and emotionally, comforted if he feels afflicted and reassured if you are scared.
But what does he mean by this of the secure base?
We can see an example of what a safe base means in the parks where parents walk with their children. Some children run alone, playing and investigating through the bushes, while others stay closer to their parents, sometimes even between their legs, looking with interest but not daring to detach from them.
Pedro and Ana, two parents who shared their experiences, relate: “We realized that there was something wrong with the family when Arturo, who was three years old, stopped running alone in the park. Before, he always left us and ventured further and further, then returned with a stone or pineapple as booty for his exploits. Then he entered a period when he no longer wanted to leave us, and when we tried to force him he would cry and hug our legs.
“We did not understand why he had become so suddenly unnerved. We discussed it one day with a friend who is a psychologist and we realized that it coincided with a moment of crisis between us, with frequent flights and a feeling of restlessness. Our son had begun to feel that his family was not a safe place.
KEYS TO GENERATING YOUR HAPPY FAMILY
- The child needs to feel that his family is stable, solid and unconditional. Whether you are an adoptive or biological family, single parent, classic nuclear family, or a larger family group (with grandparents, uncles, etc.), the important thing is that you can count on your always being there and that your home –in the broad sense of the word – be the place to which you unconditionally belong and where you have the same rights and obligations as everyone else.
- Your home should also be a safe place for you to express yourself freely without fear of retaliation. Both the positive expressions (games, screams, laughter…), and the negative ones (tantrums, bad moods, crying …) are natural expressions that must have free exit.
- The parents’ responses in the form of phrases like «in my house, you will behave as I command; when you have yours, you will be able to do what you want ”, are indications that this is not really his house and that it is an unsafe place since it is conditioned on his behaving“ well ”.
In the event of a divorce from the parents, it is important to make it clear to the child that the family remains intact, only that it lives in separate places. It is best if you have a place in the mother’s home and another in the father’s, and that you can freely choose where you prefer to be.
Having a solid foundation at home, knowing that you have people who love and care for you, is a source of well-being for your child, makes him feel part of the world and of a group for which he is important. This security and confidence will help you become a healthy adult, capable of solving your life for yourself.