Is it wrong for me to grow up without a father? Will I be educating him well? Are my children happy with the life we lead? Is my work compatible with my family?
These are some of the questions that have come to us through the social networks of Parents and Children frequently; sign that they worry a lot of parents. Although the specialists consulted do not dare to affirm emphatically that “the happy family is a utopia”, they do agree to point out that it is difficult to define the term, since today the family nucleus that we consider traditional (father, mother and children ) lives with single-parent families or rebuilt second families with children from other marriages.
Jesús Pérez Cazorla, a psychotherapist specialized in social intervention programs, considers that “all families have sources of satisfaction and difficulty”, and that the key to their success is in how they are built: “The fact of living as a couple does not imply that children’s education is going to go smoothly. It is a constant effort and a strong responsibility for almost all life (at least until they leave the family home). ”
Therefore, it is important to know how to act with your children in each particular situation to make them feel loved and learn to respect the rules. We immediately share with you the advice and recommendations of experts.
CLASSIC FAMILY
It is crucial that parents share responsibilities, that both mom and dad have a direct relationship with their children without one having to mediate in the relationship between the child and the other parent. The mother has traditionally been the one who mediated the relationship with the father, the same one who acted as an ogre while she tried to soften the situation; but it should not be so. If you both set the standards, you both must enforce limits and their consequences.
Keys to your happiness:
- They need to feel attention in the family. When children spend little time with their parents, they look for a reference outside the home. Feeling loved in the family nucleus will make them feel safe.
- They must have clear rules. They allow to build an ordered coexistence and it teaches them to assume the fact of living in society. It helps them gain security by knowing how to recognize limits and points the way in life: how far and where they can go.
- They require open communication. The ideal is to talk for a while each day with them, something that is sometimes made difficult by the many daily obligations, but it is better to see it as part of such tasks.
- Separate time with children. You don’t have to do everything together. There are activities in which both can be and others that can be alone with mom or dad.
- Both put the problems in common and look for the solutions, establish the norms, the limits and the prizes between both.
MONOPARENTAL FAMILY
More and more families are only with mom or only with dad, by divorce or their own decision, but this does not imply that children will feel helpless. Experts point out that the education formula is the same as in a couple, although it is true that you have to know how to correct certain problems of this type of family, with little outside help.
Keys to your happiness:
- Seek support. Single or widowed mothers or fathers need to try to live in a place where they have their social fabric, that is, very trustworthy friends or fathers and brothers. In this way, they will feel helped whenever they require it; that when you have children, it turns out to be very often.
- Do not try to encompass the male and female role. It is a mistake for the same person to try to fill both roles. On the one hand, it exhausts and, on the other, it confuses the little one.
- Facilitate communication. Many parents are afraid that their children will end up having more confidence with other people than with them. If this happens it is because communication with the children is blocked, because they are not given the opportunity to express themselves or they are not listened to empathetically.
- Do not pretend to be Superman or Wonder Woman. They do not have to do everything alone, nor is it a better father or mother who spends more time with their children, but the one who knows how to enjoy quality moments with them, even if they are short.
- There are tasks that must be delegated and taught to the children so that they are assuming responsibilities according to their age: from picking up their toys to making the bed or emptying the potty (if it is still small).
NEWLY CREATED FAMILIES
It is true that the situation is complicated when couples with children from previous relationships are formed. If they live together, the rules should work the same, but it is also necessary to take into account the relationship of children with their parents who are not at home.
Keys to your happiness:
- Civilized coexistence. It is necessary that the parents of minor children, even if they are divorced, maintain open communication since that person will be a father or mother throughout their lives. The best thing would be for both parents to have a meeting together with the child (at least once a year): this makes the minors feel good and not like little people between two fronts in battle.
- Give it stability. When a father or mother decides to live with his new partner, he must first make a well-considered decision. You cannot introduce someone to your children’s lives and then kick them out within a few days. This would cause children great instability and, of course, distress. They require a solid foundation environment to grow.
- Get involved in education. Before forming a new family, the couple must agree on how to coexist with their children. Just like in a traditional family, there should be no cracks at any time or no authorization.
- Two fathers and two mothers? So that the children do not feel confused between the roles of natural father/mother and guardian at home (playing the same role), it is necessary that the new couple at all times strengthen the bond with their natural parents and understand that she also loves them. and you participate in their activities because you care about them.