When we think of the word “violence” or “mistreatment” The first thing that usually comes to mind is physical abuse. The newspapers are, unfortunately, full of cases of gender violence, but have you ever seen news related to the psychological abuse? It is likely that you have read some, but at a lower level than what is actually given.
Most studies on marital violence show a marked interest in the physical dimension of abuse, ignoring psychological abuse despite its high incidence and serious repercussions on the victim. This is affirmed by a study carried out by psychologists from the University of Extremadura, adding that the evidence supports that exercising control over the other is an issue that transcends mere physical aggression.
“Behaviors like Verbal aggressiveness, non-recognition of one’s mistakes or behaviors of humiliation and contempt as a prelude to physical damage, “they detail in the report.
Psychological abuse is violence
“Psychological abuse is a violence that appears in a very subtle way, hidden behind messages of love”
“Psychological abuse is a violence that appears in a very subtle way, hidden behind messages of love, invisible to the gaze of others and sometimes even normalized“explains psychotherapist Lara Borrell.
The Netflix series ‘La Asistenta’ (‘Maid’) explains this apparent subtlety very well: actress Margaret Qualley plays Alex, a young single mother who leaves behind a relationship marked by abuse in order to protect his three-year-old daughter. “So I call the police and tell them that he didn’t hit me?” Alex asks the Social Services worker when she suggests that she report him. Alex does have wounds: wounds from abuse of power, control, and humiliation.
The expert argues that it is common to find people in session who cannot recognize it because they attribute these abusive behaviors as normal within a relationship. And he maintains that the very person who is being a victim can ask questions such as: Am I taking it all wrong? Am I exaggerating? Maybe if I had told him at another time or in another way …? Have I been selfish?
“All this, with the intention of finding an explanation for the aggressor’s behavior, but causing her to take responsibility for the situation (for which she usually blames herself). aggressor presents difficulties in assuming responsibility and recognize their mistakes “, details Borrell.
“We understand as psychological abuse any type of systematic harmful behavior where one of the people exercises power over the other, injuring and nullifying it”
“We understand as psychological abuse any type of systematic harmful behavior where one of the people exercises power over the other, wounding her and nullifying her“, Borrell collects. He also assures that the final objective is usually to intimidate the victim, generate a feeling of guilt or devalue her, taking advantage of the love that she feels towards her aggressor.
Despite the fact that many associate it with bad relationships, psychological abuse can appear in different settings: couple, family and work, being able to be given from a man to a woman or vice versa.
It not only appears in form of yelling, name calling, put-downs, or verbal violence. In some cases, irony, sarcasm, silence or indifference also appear in this type of abuse. AND it can be the gateway to physical abuse. “Before biting, the dog barks,” a friend from the shelter reminds Alex, our protagonist.
Most frequent forms of psychological abuse according to the expert
- Manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming is your great ally.
- Disqualification and devaluation of our decisions, our capacities and our own person, making the victim feel inferior, of little value and less capable.
- Explicit or implicit threats to generate fear in the other and paralyze their possible “acts of rebellion”.
- Alteration of the victim’s perception of reality. The aggressor makes every effort to make the victim doubt his own criteria, judgment or even his own perception or memory.
- The “law of ice” is one of the most subtle tools of psychological abuse. It is characterized by a series of behaviors aimed at ignoring the victim, such as withdrawing the word for a while or pretending not to hear or see it.
- Humiliation through sarcastic comments or yelling in public or private.
- Control and / or cancellation of freedom. There is a great need to know what you are doing, where you are going and who you are with.
- Recurring calls or messages.
- Emotional invalidation.
Consequences of abuse
- Low self-esteem
- Physical discomfort: the victim may present emotional instability, with depressive states or anxiety attacks
- Loss of social relationships, sometimes leading to social isolation
- Alterations in sleep pattern
- Feeding problems
- Unsafety
- Emotional dependence
- Feelings of shame and guilt: they favor the person to keep the situation of abuse a secret
- Difficulty in making decisions
- The needs of the victim are overridden by the needs of the aggressor
How to cope
As Borrell points out, the first step in dealing with psychological abuse is to know identify behaviors who are maintaining this mistreatment. As we have commented previously, it is difficult because they are dynamics that do not occur from one day to the next and are subtle signals of which we hardly notice.
From Somos Estupendas, experts in online therapies, they encourage you to ask for help if you are being a victim of this type of violence. “Getting to the point of taking the step may have taken you years. Time in which your identity has been repeatedly trampled. You think that you are not capable alone, that you cannot, that you are not worth it. But there are many people who can help you, who will listen, accompany and assist you “.
They remind us from their platform that in Spain you can request help by calling 112. Given the society in which we live, where the vast majority of violence is carried out by men against their partners, you can ask for help if you are a woman in the phone 016 specific for gender violence. If you are going through this, remember that you are not alone. And finally, share this article with whoever you think may need it.
Maid: A Barack Obama Summer Reading Pick and now a major Netflix series!
Images | ‘Maid’ (Netflix)
