How many times have we heard an “I don’t know” when we asked our son what happened to him when we were seeing him strange, or when he thoughtfully referred to a problem that he did not know how to solve…
The mind sometimes seems not to help too much, no matter how hard we try to reason, the answers do not seem to arrive and sometimes we even reach the wrong conclusions. A curious and significant fact is that 80% of what happens to us is recorded at the body level and the remaining 20% is assumed by our consciousness, so if we could connect with our body we would access much more than what we get through our cognition.
How can we access all that vast and valuable information that resides in our body? There is a wonderful technique that, if we learn to use it with our children and they incorporate it, they will begin to better discriminate what they feel and to find their own solutions. The answers are in your body!
This technique is called Focusing, and it is an excellent tool to gradually increase the emotional- corporal intelligence in our children. It is about paying attention to the body by following a few steps. It is learning to listen to our body to know what happens to us when we do not feel well or have a problem that needs to be solved.
This psycho-corporal technique was created by the philosopher and psychotherapist Eugene Gendlin in the 70s and since then it has been widely spread throughout the world. Let’s see how to apply it with our children (once we check that they are willing by asking them before). We accompany the process, being the protagonists.
What is necessary to practice ‘focusing’?
Check that you are in a calm environment, without noise or distractions and if you have enough time not to run over the process. It is important that before starting you are calm and relaxed. If your child is a little nervous, you can do a prior relaxation, making a tour of the body from head to toe, to put all his attention on the body and thus enable the connection with it.
One technique, many differentiated steps
Once we have the ideal environment, the steps to follow to perform focusing with our children are the following:
Step 1
Find the cause of emotional distress. Ask: What is bothering you? The answer or answers will emerge within you. Putting it into words will help you, but just naming it, without analyzing.
Step 2
If multiple issues have appeared, we need to choose one. We could ask him: of all the things you have told me, which is the one that makes you feel the worst? The body chooses.
Once we have the issue identified, we suggest that you bring up that issue that makes you feel bad How does your body feel about this? We allow time for the child to observe what is happening inside him, subtle sensations will slowly appear in some part of the body, usually in the chest, in the stomach or in the throat. We instruct you to observe that feeling.
Step 3
Now we need to symbolize that feeling in order to understand it. We can express it in different ways: a gesture, an image, a word, a metaphor, a sound…
We can suggest you describe the feeling to us: size, color, texture. You can also draw a picture of the felt sense and name it.
Step 4
Now that we have that felt sense expressed, we have to make sure that we have a good grip on it (as if it had a handle that allows us to hold it tightly to be able to observe it and thus be able to continue with the investigation). To achieve this, we can tell our son to put that image, word or metaphor (or the drawing made) in front of him and observe if the felt sensation is satisfied with his symbol if it agrees Is it the same as what you have expressed to what are you feeling Did you put the correct label on it? Does it match like a two-piece puzzle?
Many times just by doing this process there is already a change, suddenly we see the “problem” differently, lighter and we have more clarity about what is happening to us and about the resolution of it.
Step 5
We continue to investigate if necessary. We can ask the felt sense what do you need to be okay? Do you have a message for me?
At this point, as parents, we could ask questions that we consider pertinent and clarifying that we feel can help our child to continue understanding everything that is happening to him. What is the worst of all this? What else in your life does it look like? What does this have to do with? Where does it lead you? What can you do to improve this? How could you feel good?
Step 6
Once we have seen and acknowledged all the information that the body has given us, we thank it, without judging whether or not we liked what we have discovered. We thank each other for what we have learned. This technique helps us to recognize and accept reality as it is, and then make the changes we need.
Children learn through focusing to get in touch with their felt sensations regarding the things that happen to them, they learn to listen to them, they learn to identify, accept and express emotions and to find their meaning. They learn to find their own solutions to problems that seem to have no rational way out, they find new perspectives. They learn to trust themselves, they find what they need.